Third Trimester

If you are reading this today, December 18th please take a moment and wish our little Jonathon a Happy 4th Birthday!! Today, 4 years ago, was a  day full of sorrow and pain for us. Today we celebrate a life we will meet one day in Heaven. As my niece Morgan said it (when she was 4 yrs old) "Ya know aunt Caryn, Jonathon is going to be the first person waiting for you when you get to Heaven" and I know that is sooo true!!!

Now that the worst part was over (or so I thought) what do we do now?? The Doctors had told us that because I was over 24 weeks gestation, we had to have a burial. My thoughts were, do what you do in this situation and let's move on...but BY LAW when you are over 24 weeks, you have to have a service. So while John was making the funeral arrangements, everyone was taking their turn holding our little man. The room was very calm and quiet and tearful. One of the hardest things I had to deal with was watching my dad (who if you've ever met him before is a pretty big guy) sit in the corner of my room and cry. I hate thinking about it to this day. He said "This is the worst thing we've ever had to go through" and he was right. A parent should never have to bury their child. 

I got discharged from the hospital on the 19th and as we're leaving...my thoughts...I just gave birth and no one knows it. They see me leave but do they know why? Do they care? Was I gonna get the chance to let anyone know that I was a mommy? It was a difficult day leaving my precious boy at that hospital while I left and didn't get to make sure he was being taken care of properly. Once we left we immediately went to the funeral home and picked out the casket and set all the details in stone for the next day.

The funeral arrangements were set to be on the 20th of December at Sunset Hills on everhard. We found a place who donated the casket and their services and all we had to pay for was the burial lot. They had a specific place where they buried their babies and it was called "Babyland". How fitting right?

The next day we woke up and I got a call from my co-worker Michelle and she was telling me how she wanted to be there but she had to work and was apologizing and I said to her "I don't want to do this" and I just started to cry...the thought of leaving my child in the ground and never seeing him again wasn't a thought I wanted to entertain. We were supposed to be at the mausoleum by 9:30 but because of the roughness of the morning, we got there shortly before the service started. We were soo blessed at all of our family and friends who came out to say good-bye with us. There were about 75-100 people there and we were blessed to have everyone around us to make it a little easier. I had our Pastor read a poem that the hospital gave us and it talked about how I didn't have to hear you cry to know I was your mommy and I didn't have to feed you to know you were my child...I couldn't find this poem to share with you so I found another one just as good that brought tears to my eyes....

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are OK.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown

To be continued....

Once the service was over, we went out to dinner with a bunch of family and friends and it's there that I got the most precious gift anyone has given me. My aunt bought a pair of silver booties and had them engraved on the bottom with his name, weight and length. To this day (even at this very moment) I hang these booties above my mantle at Christmas time with all of our stockings.

We had his tombstone engraved with a cute saying and a cute font but it will never replace the space he took in our hearts.....

So where do we go from here? We try again!!!


To be continued.....

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning....Psalms 30:5