Now What?

Once the funeral was over, I felt like something was missing....I felt like I had a huge hole where something used to be and no longer was there. John and I had been told that the first 3 months after giving birth is when a women is most fertile. So we had decided to try right away again because lets face it, it took us 4 years to get pregnant and if those 3 months would help us, we were gonna use it!! SO we tried right away again.

During the "trying" time, we still needed to cope with everything that just happened. It was hard, I'm not gonna lie. Having to watch both my sisters progress in their pregnancies, my one sister finding out what she was having and then having to go through their births with them. I really really had to try to stay happy for them. I remember in the hospital when I just found out that Jonathon had passed away, my sister Casey walked in and was crying, and I just looked at her and said " Don't treat me any different! I still want you to call me when you find out what your having. I want to be happy for you and with you!" I know that it wasn't going to be easy for me OR for them. I didn't want them to have to dance around stories they wanted to share of their pregnancy but I, at the same time, didn't want to hear them.

When Christmas came along, and our family got together, I remember just sitting back and listening to how they had cravings and talk about their babies moving and that was something I didn't get to share with them. When I got pregnant, it was so fun thinking that we'd all get to go through this together, our kids would be close and be best friends all growing up. So now having that picture ripped from my thinking was hard to say the least.

When my sister Carey went into labor in February I wanted to be there for her. I met her at the hospital and was there the entire time she was in labor. I knew I would be OK if I weren't pregnant when she gave birth because she was delivering at Mercy which would have been a change of scene. Different nurses, doctors, set up...everything. I was OK to be there for her because I knew that it was all different. When she hit the end of her laboring, it kinda happened really fast. She dilated from a 6 to a 10 withing an hour or so and before we knew it, the doctor was in the room asking her to push. My mom and I were still in the room, along with Carey's husband Craig, and we didn't think to leave because 1. no one had asked us to or told us what was happening and 2. we didn't realize it was THAT TIME already!! We looked at Craig and asked him if he wanted us to leave and he, to our suprise, said we could both stay. So watching my sister give birth was one of the most memorable moments I've ever had. He came out and we got to watch him be weighed and everything. When it came to cutting the cord, my brother-in-law looked at me and handed me the scissors and said I could cut the cord, which to this day makes me cry just thinking about it. So I gladly cut the cord and it made me look at my brother-in-law in a completely different way. It was a selfless thing he did and I love him for it!

In the meantime, we were still trying to get pregnant. I used a website called www.babycenter.com to help. It was a very cool site. You plug in the date of your last period, enter how many days your cycle is and it calculates out when your most fertile and gave me the dates it was best for us to "try". It also calculated out the date you'd be due if I were to get pregnant that month and could calculate out the entire year...reallly cool!!! So in March when I was pluggin in my information, it told me that if I were to get pregnant in March, that my due date would be December 18th....DECEMBER 18??? No way!!!!! I thought that was totally ironic seeing how Jonathon was born on December 18th. We new that if we were gonna get pregnant again, it was going to be because we were totally relying on God. We knew that we got pregnance once and he would see to it we got pregnant again. By the way things happened...we knew it was all his doing.

April 5th was my due date with Jonathon. It was quickly approaching and I was dreading it. By April I was having regular periods already so it was easy for me to calculate out our "trying".  In April, I wasn't late yet with my period but I couldn't wait anymore to see if I was pregnant for that month. And every women trying to get pregnant knows that that pregnancy test can mean joy or another month down the toilet! So it was April 4th when I had decided to take that all important pee on a stick. I was at work and was so eager that I bought a 16.00 test you know, the ones that digitally says "pregnant" or "not pregnant". I never bought those because the dollar tests are just as good. So when the stick immediately said "pregnant" I just started crying.....the emotions though were not what I thought they'd be. I was sooooo scared. I used to think how exciting it was going to be to get pregnant again and how much more people would be excited but I was all backwards on my thinking. I was scared out of my mind. I called my husband and told him about the news and he seemed to be a little in shock.


Still waiting for my next nephew to be born, I was now awaiting the birth of my next child. I went in for my initial visit and found out I was only 4 weeks pregnant! That makes for a really looooong pregnancy. So at the beginning of anyone's pregnany, you usually go to the doctors once a month until you hit 8 months then you go twice a month and then your 9 month you go every week. This pregnancy would prove to be a little different......