Third Trimester

If you are reading this today, December 18th please take a moment and wish our little Jonathon a Happy 4th Birthday!! Today, 4 years ago, was a  day full of sorrow and pain for us. Today we celebrate a life we will meet one day in Heaven. As my niece Morgan said it (when she was 4 yrs old) "Ya know aunt Caryn, Jonathon is going to be the first person waiting for you when you get to Heaven" and I know that is sooo true!!!

Now that the worst part was over (or so I thought) what do we do now?? The Doctors had told us that because I was over 24 weeks gestation, we had to have a burial. My thoughts were, do what you do in this situation and let's move on...but BY LAW when you are over 24 weeks, you have to have a service. So while John was making the funeral arrangements, everyone was taking their turn holding our little man. The room was very calm and quiet and tearful. One of the hardest things I had to deal with was watching my dad (who if you've ever met him before is a pretty big guy) sit in the corner of my room and cry. I hate thinking about it to this day. He said "This is the worst thing we've ever had to go through" and he was right. A parent should never have to bury their child. 

I got discharged from the hospital on the 19th and as we're leaving...my thoughts...I just gave birth and no one knows it. They see me leave but do they know why? Do they care? Was I gonna get the chance to let anyone know that I was a mommy? It was a difficult day leaving my precious boy at that hospital while I left and didn't get to make sure he was being taken care of properly. Once we left we immediately went to the funeral home and picked out the casket and set all the details in stone for the next day.

The funeral arrangements were set to be on the 20th of December at Sunset Hills on everhard. We found a place who donated the casket and their services and all we had to pay for was the burial lot. They had a specific place where they buried their babies and it was called "Babyland". How fitting right?

The next day we woke up and I got a call from my co-worker Michelle and she was telling me how she wanted to be there but she had to work and was apologizing and I said to her "I don't want to do this" and I just started to cry...the thought of leaving my child in the ground and never seeing him again wasn't a thought I wanted to entertain. We were supposed to be at the mausoleum by 9:30 but because of the roughness of the morning, we got there shortly before the service started. We were soo blessed at all of our family and friends who came out to say good-bye with us. There were about 75-100 people there and we were blessed to have everyone around us to make it a little easier. I had our Pastor read a poem that the hospital gave us and it talked about how I didn't have to hear you cry to know I was your mommy and I didn't have to feed you to know you were my child...I couldn't find this poem to share with you so I found another one just as good that brought tears to my eyes....

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are OK.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown

To be continued....

Once the service was over, we went out to dinner with a bunch of family and friends and it's there that I got the most precious gift anyone has given me. My aunt bought a pair of silver booties and had them engraved on the bottom with his name, weight and length. To this day (even at this very moment) I hang these booties above my mantle at Christmas time with all of our stockings.

We had his tombstone engraved with a cute saying and a cute font but it will never replace the space he took in our hearts.....

So where do we go from here? We try again!!!


To be continued.....

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning....Psalms 30:5

Second Trimester Cont.

So I just found out that my baby passed away and it hasn't really hit me yet what was to come.....

They admitted me from triage to a regular room and brought me a wheelchair to take me where I was going. On my way there, I saw my Dr in the hallway and he came up to me, gave me a hug and said "well, we fought the good fight, it just wasn't meant to be"......I was like WHAT? I love my Dr to death but this just wasn't something I wanted to hear. I asked the Dr what caused this and he said he didn't know. With the quad screen coming back positive it could've been a chromosomal issue OR the umbillical cord could've gotten around the neck. He didn't know...

John had to call his parents and tell them what was going on and his mom didn't know what to think or say. The came over as soon as they could. When it came down to "who should we tell" my response was....tell EVERYONE. The more people who find out from someone else, the better. I just didn't want people coming up to me asking me questions about how my pregnancy was going or if we knew what we were having. So yes, please tell everyone, so no one asks me about it.

I got in my room and they didn't need to hook me up to any monitors since there was nothing to hear. But my mom never left my side. Nor did John. So what they were going to do, since I needed to start the laboring process, they inserted a pill into me every 3 to 5 hours making it to where my body would start labor all on it's own. They told me what they could do was insert the first pill and let me go home and just come back every few hours to have them check me and insert another one if need be. I looked at them and told them that I WOULD NOT leave the hospital with this child still in me. I will wait till everything is said and done and that was that.

Please keep in mind that NOT ONCE did I blame God or wonder why he would do this to me. I knew that it wasn't his fault. I knew that nothing like this comes from a loving, kind and merciful God. All I knew at the time was that I was angry. Angry that I had waited so long for this child and now was having it taken away....Angry that both my sisters were pregnant and I was going to have to watch them go through the rest of their pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby....Angry that I was going to go home with signs of just giving birth but have no baby. My milk is gonna come in and I have no baby. I just gave birth but have no baby. I have the medical bills....but no baby.  I was angry!

At the time I was in choir at my church and the music director Sam had asked me to sing at the service we hold on Christmas Eve...I was really excited to get to do this bc we had just gotten involved again after a break so it had been awhile since I sang in front of people. So I called Sam to tell him that I could not sing and when he answered his phone, I said hey I need to tell you something...and the words he said to me I am SURE are words he wish he could've taken back. I said "I need to tell you something" and he said " You died?" ok now in any other cercumstance, I would've taken that as a joke. Obviously if I'm calling you I'm not dead. I just simply said "no, but my baby did" I immediately heard the disappointment in his voice and he apologized. Not his fault, he didn't know but felt really bad about saying that. I wasn't upset, just thought it was ironic that that is the phrase he chose....

Anyways....so my mom started calling family to let them know what was going on and I remember when she called my Aunt Sharon (who also had a daughter that was 2 or 3 months pregnant) and got her voicemail. She started to leave a message and started to cry when she got to the part that the baby died...I just remmeber looking at her and saying " just say it and hang up" at this point I still had not cried and I just felt that I had to be strong for everyone else. I've always been the one to cry first but in this situation, it was total opposite. I felt like if I started crying that everyone would fall apart. So I had to be strong for the family.

What the dr's had decided to do was let me labor to the point that I was ready to push. Usually, you push a baby through the birth canal because it's tramatising for the baby to be in the canal. (thus pushing) However in my case, it didn't matter so they let the baby labor all the way down the birth canal before making me push. So while we're waiting I recall the contractions getting stronger and stronger so I asked for an epideral. Once the epideral was in, it was smooth sailing from there.

Every few hours the dr's would come in and check me and make sure it wasn't time to start pushing and at one point it was just me and my mom sitting in the dark and the dr came in, pulled up a stool and sat there with us. Asked us if we had any questions as to what was going to happen, if we needed help with anything and it was comforting to me, that a Dr would care so much.

The next day, my room was full of family and friends bc if you know me, I LOVE being surrounded by people. It helped me get throught it by laughing and talking with people instead of sitting in an empty room alone with my thoughts and feelings. That would've killed me I think. While everyone was talking and telling stories, I heard a pop and then a flood of fluid. I looked at my mom and told he I thought my water had just broke. Sure enough, it did! Wouldn't be long from that point,

Around 5 or so that evening, the dr (and by dr I mean resident) came in and checked me and said to me in a very soothing and calming voice "you're ready to start pushing" and all that came over me was fear. He left to get my OB and as he left, I had finally reached the point of overwhelmed. (as I'm typing this I am crying even now 4 years later) I started bawling...uncontrollable. I was scared at what we were gonna see, scared about holding this child, scared about everything that was unknown. Was this child gonna have a 3rd arm, or will this be a perfectly healthy baby? The fear of the unknown.....So as I'm crying everyone who was there just gathered around my bed and started to cry with me. John was out of the room at this point and someone had gone to get him and when he came in he just came to the bedside, and held me. What more could he do?

Everyone left the room for the birth of our baby, and it was, for the first time, just John and I alone with the doctors and nurses.  When the baby was born, our FIRST question was, what is it? A boy or a girl? Dr. Hamilton just looked at us and said he didn't know....HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW?? The quad screen was right...there WAS a birth defect as well as downs syndrome.  However, the baby died due to getting the umbillical cord wrapped around it's neck twice. Sometimes when this happens it can be a loose noose or a tight one and in this case it was tight. When they handed him to me, I'm not sure I was ready...So I asked them to take him and clean him up and then give him back. So they did and once they cleaned him off, Dr Hamilton looked again and said he thought that it was a boy. FINALLY a boy!! What we were waiting on 6 long months. Jonathon Allen Barth 11 inches 11 oz

Meanwhile in the hallway where everyone was sitting, they rolled the clear bassinett past eveyone to bring it in our room and that's when everyone else began to cry. Knowing what was going in that bassinett. It wasn't for a living healthy baby. It was a child that the world would never get to know.

I had them let the family in as soon as possible because I needed them to be in there with us. As soon as everyone got in the room and had surrounded my bed, I just sat there holding him and looked at my family and simply said "Don't be sad and don't cry because this was truley a blessing for us" What do I mean when I say blessing?? I mean, God took the decision away from John and I, as to abort a perfectly healthy baby. That is something we would've had to live with the rest of our lives. More so than that, we expected a healthy baby. If he was born alive, it would've been nothing but hospitals and doctors and surgery's and medicine the rest of his life. God took that burden from us. I am sooo greatful he did.

to be continued....

Second Trimester

OK so where did I leave off? Oh yeah, Emily and Curtis just found out they were pregnant and I was genuinely happy for them. You may want to grab a few tissues for this part....I will spare no details so please be for warned.

A few months after Emily found out she was pregnant, my sister Carey found out she was pregnant with her second child. I was happy for her too! Wasn't upset because I knew that they were trying so it wasn't a surprise. So 2 out of 4 kids pregnant at once...don't they say things happen in 3's??

I never was one to be "on time" with my monthly "present" so it was normal to go 2 even 3 months at a time with no thought of pregnancy. One day I went to my mother in laws for lunch and had picked up a pregnancy test just to make sure that the slightest chance of me being pregnant was ruled out. I was standing in her bathroom watching this cheap-o dollar store pregnancy test show me 2 lines....WAIT 2!! There were 2 lines what does that mean?? I'm looking at the test and the instructions and was like...this can't be happening. I ran out and got my mother in law and had her look at the test also and we both were jumping up and down with excitement!! I couldn't believe it! And if you know me, I never keep good things a secret. I called John immediately and when I told him he wasn't sure how to handle it so he just said "good honey" WHAT??? You better be more excited than that. We've waited too long for this moment. He was in shock and I get that now. I then proceeded to call my mom and my sisters and then my sister in law and everyone was so happy!

When September rolled around Emily was 9+ months pregnant and Carey was 4 months and I was 3 months pregnant. There was our set of 3! Little did we know that on Sept 9th when my nephew Brayden was born, my sister Casey came out and told us she was also pregnant! At that moment, every single child my mom had was pregnant. REALLY do things happen like that in real life?? Sure do! So Carey was due in March, I was due in April (5th to be exact) and Casey was due in May. Our kids would be so close and we were all so excited.

I started early on, probably around 3months, to have high blood pressure. I have border line high blood pressure normally so I knew that would play a role in how my pregnancy unfolded. So my Dr placed me on bp meds and just monitored it at all my Dr appts.

In November we had a routine test called the "quad screen" done and thinking nothing of it. I received a phone call from the Dr's office telling me that I needed to come in because they wanted to talk to me about the test results. So I go in and was in a room when the doctor and like 3 nurses all came in at the same time to talk to me. He told me that my quad screen had come back testing positive for downs syndrom and/or birth defect. I just looked at him and asked him how often these tests come back with a false positive? He informed me that more so than not, do these test come back with wrong conclusions. I looked at him and told him that downs syndrome kids need parents too and that we had NO intentions of aborting or giving this baby put up for adoption. He wanted to do an amniocentesis to give us a definite answer as to yes the baby has downs or no the baby didn't. John and I talked about it and had decided against it because of the risks that were involved. If the tests were wrong, and we go forward with the amnio, we put the baby at risk and that was just something were weren't willing to do. He completely understood where we were coming from and didn't push the issue but did insist on routine ultrasounds. In every ultrasound we had, they couldn't tell us what sex the baby was. They even got a shot right between the legs and couldn't tell us what we were having. But we didn't think anything of it at the time......

My dad turned 50 that December and the entire family (mom, dad, siblings and spouses) all decided to go Salt Fork Lodge for the weekend and celebrate. While we were there, I kept telling my mom that I hadn't felt the baby move and was starting to get nervous. She kept trying to put me at ease and would tell me that I'm just at that 6 month mark, and I won't feel the baby move all the time. So, we made it through the weekend and now came time for the work week.

This is the only picture I have of all of us pregnant at the same time.

It was taken the weekend we were all at Salt Fork 

2nd row:John, Me (6 months), Curtis, Emily, Brayden, My dad Dean,

Brother in law Craig, nephew Zander Carey (7 months)

1st row: Casey (5 months) brother in law Sean, niece Morgan,

 Mom Patty and niece Kearstyn 

I came in Monday and like normal sat in a cubicle across from one of my good friends and I kept telling her all day, that I hadn't felt the baby move. She told me that if I really needed to have my mind put to rest just to call the Dr and see what they say. So that's what I did. I called the Dr and since I worked at the hospital it was easier just to have me go to labor and deliver where they could put me on a monitor and let me hear a heartbeat.

I trucked it on over to L&D and they put me in a triage room and the nurse came in to hook me all up and stuff. She used the belt monitor on me first and she had a hard time picking up the heartbeat. Lets face it...I'm not the skinniest person in the world and I was only 6 months prego so I can understand how they might not have been able to hear the heartbeat. So she grabbed the hand held doppler machine. Now if you know anything about this machine, you know that even if you can't HEAR the heartbeat, that it will still register numbers of what the heart rate is. So she tried and tried and couldn't audibly hear the heart rate. So I asked her if she was at least registering any number and she said no. It would be really mean of me to " to be continued" right now huh? OK I'll keep going. So I kinda got scared and I called my mom. John already knew I was headed over there and he was on his way. So when I called my mom, I simply told her that they were having a hard time finding a heart beat and that I was scared and it seemed like she was there withing minutes of me calling her. Shortly after my mom showed up, my sister Casey showed up and then John. So they brought in the ultrasound machine next and let me tell ya....there are times when students shouldn't be involved and this was one of them. They bring this machine in and get the baby on the screen and instead of letting me hear a heartbeat which is what I was eagerly awaiting, they were asking the students what they thought they were looking at and to identify the arms and the head and all the limbs. I was like HELLO!!! I don't care about the legs and head and stomach right now. LET ME HEAR  A HEARTBEAT!!!! So then they told me that they wanted radiology to come up with their ultrasound machine because it was more high tech then the one they were using. So the same girl who had done all my routine ultrasounds that the Dr ordered when we found out the baby could have downs, was the same one who came in to do this ultrasound also. So I felt comfortable with her and was asking her questions that I knew she wasn't allowed to speculate on. So after she was done, they were waiting for the Dr to review the photos and they would be in to talk to me. While we were waiting, I had to go to the bathroom and had to leave my room and go down the hall to where the bathroom was. When I stepped outside into the hallway, I saw a group of doctors and nurses all standing around the screen of my ultrasound photos. I passed them and went to the bathroom and when I came back out they were ALL gone. Kinda thought that was weird. I got back to my room and climbed back into bed when the resident that was on duty that night came in. He introduced himself to John, my mom, and sister Casey and then proceeded to tell us that there was no heartbeat, that he was sorry and that the baby had passed away. WHAT??!?!? What does that mean passed away? How? When? Why? I needed these questions answered! and NOW! They explained to me that I was going to have to deliver the baby in order to do what needed to be done. My thoughts? NO WAY!! I WILL NOT HAVE THIS CHILD VAGINALLY! DO A C-SECTION AND GET IT OUT AND LETS BE DONE WITH IT! (at this point I still was in shock as well as my family and I hadn't cried) They talked me out of a c-section because if I did that it would only put me at risk for future pregnancies. So I reluctantly gave in to going through with a vag delivery BUT I DID IT. What was to come is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy but I am going to stop here and let you prepare yourself for the next posting...

First Trimester continued

OK so....we have just started the fertility treatments while in the meantime my brother Curtis got married to his now wife Emily! Emily is a great girl and we knew that with Curtis having 3 sisters, any girl he married would have to be approved by us. She passed with flying colors and we were all excited to have a new sister (in law).

So back to the fertility stuff....so we went in for our first round of artificial insemination and it went great. First in the office and first out of the office...that's they way I like it. So the second day we went in (because you go twice in a row) we were 2nd in I was hoping to get outta there soon because I had to be to work by 8am and we were coming from Akron. Well the Dr. only had 1 patient in front of us so it shoulda been in and out. Well it wasn't and my poor husband...bless his heart I was getting so upset that I made him go out and find out what was taking the Dr so long and and didn't say one word, left the room and returned a few minutes later to say that the Dr had gotten into an procedure that took a little while longer than expected. So he had his nurse come in and do it just so we could leave. I wasn't too sure about having someone other than the Dr do the procedure but I had to get to work so...the nurse played pretend Dr.

They tell you it takes 2 weeks before you can find out if your pregnant or not and during that 2 weeks was Christmas. The whole time, we're gearing ourselves up for the fact that I may be pregnant. All the excitement and nervousness lead up to the one we had been waiting for. To our dismay, the tests all came back negative and we were so disappointed. It's like convincing yourself your pregnant and then finding out your not. It was needless to say, heartbreaking! I cried and cried because I just wanted a baby so bad.

After all that happened we had decided to stop the fertility because one, we knew that most couples get pregnant on their own and we didn't want to waste all our money trying when we would probably get pregnant on our own some day and two, we knew that God had it under control. That as long as we had our faith where it needed to be, that things would all work out the way they were intended to.

I had a hair appointment with my new sister in law one day in February and I am sitting in her chair and she says to me "I have something to tell you" and I just said "Your pregnant" and she asked why everyone assumed that (I was right) not realizing that that opening phrase is so commonly used when telling someone your pregnant. So what do I do?? Cry? Give her a hug? show my true feelings and run off?? So I stood up and gave her a hug and said congratulations like a person who is truly happy for someone else should. And I was happy for them just upset that it wasn't me. So we talked about her due date and the symptoms she had been experiencing and I am sure she felt relieved to have finally told me. I went home, called my mom and started bawling. Anyone who has ever tried to have a baby knows how hard it is to see someone else get pregnant. I had always said to myself that I wasn't going to be that kind of person though.....I would be happy for others and go to others baby showers and not get upset when things happened to others first. But at that moment, I was raw with emotion and cried and cried. Not because I wasn't happy for Emily and Curtis but because I didn't understand why them and not me??? But little did I know what God had in store for us in such a short time! To be continued.....

First Trimester

Well....here we go....our journey to parenthood.  It may be long and full of useless details but here it is. How we became parents!!!

 John and I were married in 2003 and were both on the same page with waiting for children (however, it was what I was born to be...A MOTHER) We had decided to wait 1 year before we tried for children however, birthcontrol was NOT in our vocabulary. So NOT using birthcontrol and NOT wanting a child yet, we took our chances. Well 1 year came and went and we had decided to wait another year...then year 2 came and went and when I we were finally ready to start trying...I KNEW we had to go straight to the fertility doctors. Let's face it....we had been married for over 2 years and really never used protection and still no baby. So I knew we would need help.
So our journey with the fertility clinic started in 2005 when we made our first appointment. From there, I swear we lived at the clinic. I was told I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (better known as PCOS) and had a 2% chance of EVER getting pregnant!! 2%!!!!! Your thoughts were the same as mine...that's kinda low...But then he told us that average couple only has a 10% chance of conceiving. Did you know how much science there is to making a baby? Counting the days in your cycle and on day 5-7 do this and on day 10-12 do this and so on....So when we were given those odds we simply said..."Ya know what..the Bible doens't say that we only have a 2% chance...the Bible says that all my needs are met" so we continued with the appointments for quite a while and those included everything from a uterine byopsy (THEY PLUCKED A PIECE OF MY UTERIS OFF TO TEST IT FOR CANCER) to "the dye test" which is where they insert a catheter into you and inject dye in your tubes. (i got to watch it on the screen...kinda cool if I must say so myself) so whatching the dye travel through my tubes was neat however when I noticed it wasn't moving on the left side, I knew that meant something. And of course it did!  It meant that my tube was blocked and had to have a laporoscopy done. So in Aug 05 I had the surgery to "make it all better" and then moved on to the fertility part. NO MORE TESTING LETS CREATE A BABY!!! The Dr's (Dr Nash) didn't seem to think that the chlomid (pills) would work for me so they went right to the shot. I'm OK with shots and that didn't bother me however when I found out they needed to go in my butt...yeah not so much enthusiasm!! So when we did the shot in early Dec we found out as soon as possible that there were 3 "good embryos" ok so what does that mean?? It meant that the very next day we went in for artificial insemination. THE NEXT DAY???? Yep we were nervous too! Trust me!!